"He no longer had oxygen, monitors and professionals caring for him and I felt more nervous this time around. However, I was his mother and it was time for me to protect him. I picked him up, clipped in his car seat and we left for home with our new little family member. "

Over his first year of life and development I noticed a few differences between how my daughter developed and how Aidan was developing. I would often mention a few concerns to our family members and friends regarding Aidan. He was quiet and did not seem to interact very much. I also had concerns that Aidan’s motor skills were developing much later than expected. Every experienced mother that I knew would reply with “Every kid is different, he will be fine, stop worrying!”. So, I did! I joked that he had my quiet, antisocial personality and threw the worries in the trash.

Our “neurotypical” daughter continued to hit all her milestones on time. She had walked a little late but otherwise seemed to blossom on her own. She had no problem with language development, with her first word being “NO!”. She was a very confident child and made sure everyone knew when she entered the room. When it came to Aidan, I put all my expectations on the fact that Scarlett had turned out fine and that he would be fine too, besides they were both premature. There were many moments in his early development that I brushed off and just told myself that I was overreacting. I did not want to look like an over concerned mother. In between juggling our two little ones and the rest of our life I somehow failed to speak up about Aidan. In those first sixteen months of his delicate life, I truly failed my son. I wish I had spoken up sooner. Maybe my son would have had help earlier on. Maybe our life would not have snowballed as quickly as it did. These thoughts will forever haunt me and follow me for the rest of my life.

For the most part of our days spent together, Aidan was silent and content. His older half-brother and sister made up for the lack of noise and our family would often joke that you could almost forget that Aidan was even there. He wouldn’t gawk at himself in the mirror or admire his reflection like his sister did at his age. Eventually, he started to turn away and avoid the mirror. Avoiding his own reflection in the mirror eventually turned to avoiding eye contact. Whenever I would change his diaper he would turn and flip over to escape my eyes. When we would attend family gatherings Aidan would crawl away to a dark and quiet area. When we would find him, he would be rocking on his knees. Aidan struggled with transitioning to solids. Aidan refused to mimic animal sounds or numbers and rarely gave me his attention. He would scream and thrash If I tried to get him to do an activity such as puzzles, drawing, sensory bins. He did not like to pretend play. He did not like me near him. He wouldn’t let me hold him or rock him. He wouldn’t let me read to him. He would wriggle out of my arms or cry when I would attempt rocking or sitting together. He flapped his hands when he was excited and grew an obsession with cars. He would collect cars from different toy bins around the house and line them up on the coffee table. He wouldn’t play with them, but instead would spin their wheels or play with parts. He seemed to be drifting into an internal hole. Then, at fifteen months he stopped saying “da-da” and his babbling disappeared.

When our eighteen-month checkup finally arrived, Aidan had just learned how to walk. Again, all my worries disappeared because he had gained that motor skill. I figured all of the other interesting habits were a part of his personality. I entered this appointment confident as ever. However, as his appointment progressed our pediatrician started to worry me about areas I had never even considered. I was so focused on motor skills when it came to my children that I totally forgot about communication, verbal and intellectual skills. Aidan failed his eighteenth milestone check list and was in the dark gray. All I knew at this point was that you did not want your child to end up in the dark gray area on the graph. Our pediatrician nervously chuckled and retrieved a sixteenth month checklist. He was premature after all. He drastically failed that as well and remained in the dark gray area. At that time, I was still naïve as to how important these graphs were. I had no idea HOW FAR he had fallen behind compared to peers. Somewhere between two toddlers, a house, a husband, pets and Aidans health thus far, I was failing my son.

"Somewhere between two toddlers, a house, a husband, pets and Aidans health thus far, I was failing my son. "

Our pediatrician referred us for an evaluation with ECI. Aidan’s Batelle score reflected that of a 4-month-old. How was my 18-month-old so drastically behind I thought? What was I doing wrong? After a month into ECI our therapist said something that dropped my heart. She recommended that we go back to his pediatrician and let her know that “their services may not be enough for all of Aidans reg flags”. Red flags? What are red flags I thought? I immediately googled “red flags'' and my heart sank when the word Autism appeared. Autism? Isn't that something that is genetic or something they blood test for? Our pediatrician proceeded to send our son for a hearing test and a psychological evaluation. My heart sank when our pediatrician explained Aidan was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism. At nineteen months old, my child began walking on his toes and had a diagnosis. As a mom, in those first few moments, you feel like you just lost your child and your life. I felt so numb. What did this mean for his future?

I started scrambling for more information and more advice. I went to a pediatrician behavior specialist and she diagnosed him with autism. I went to the neurologist and she diagnosed him with Autism and few other muscle related conditions. I couldn’t escape the word. Every test, every evaluation, every doctor agreed – Autism. In those first few months of his diagnosis I was so selfish. I was crying constantly, thinking about his future, thinking about my family's future. I was depressed. I felt like I had failed my son. I was supposed to protect him. Somehow this was all my fault and I honestly crept into a depressed state. I felt angry and blamed God. I wondered “why did my kid have to have delays...why Aidan? He had already been dealt a harsh start to this world with his health...now this?”. Aidan was prescribed full-time ABA therapy along with occupational therapy, physical therapy and speech therapy and we followed through with those recommendations.

One day something happened that made me realize how selfish I had been until now. I was studying my son and watching his behaviors. He was pacing and humming around all of us as we were cooking breakfast in the kitchen. He started making his loud yells that he often down. I sat down parallel from him and looked at him. He let out another yell. I joined. His face filled with wild excitement. He looked at me right in my eyes and let out another call. I proceeded to mimic and join in. My daughter started giggling and made those wild yells. My husband came around the corner and joined in too. Eventually we were all stomping and dancing around making wild yells. A huge grin crept over my son's face. I had not seen a facial expression from him since he was twelve months old at this point. Aidan glanced around at all of us with pure satisfaction. We had finally joined his world. I was so blind with my own selfish adjustments to this diagnosis that I had forgotten to fight for my son and who he is. He walked over and laid his head in my husband's lap with a smile of relief. He felt accepted and we were standing by him, supporting him. In that moment I realized how hard my son was fighting to adjust to our world. He was fighting to adjust to everyone’s expectations.

"He started making his loud yells that he often did. I sat down parallel from him and looked at him. He let out another yell. I joined. His face filled with wild excitement. He looked at me right in my eyes and let out another call. I proceeded to mimic and join in."