I will NEVER forget the day I found out I was going to be a mother. I took the pregnancy test at my cousin’s home for support. I had a close friend there as well. While waiting for the results I prayed it would say NO. I was a college student with absolutely no income and no way of taking care of a baby. I solely depended on my mom. I needed the results to be “ Not Pregnant.” After the long 3 minute wait, I was devastated with the outcome. This was not what I wanted for myself but my actions justified what I created. After a hard conversation with my mom, I decided it was time to put my big girl pants on and take accountability for my life. I made the decision to get serious about my future and become the best mother possible. My mother was the best support system. She taught me how to be a great mom. My sweet baby boy motivated me to complete my bachelor’s and to go back to school and get my master’s degree. Through all my hurt and disappointment I conquered my personal goals of being a good mother.

Five years later Kenden Andrew made his grand entrance into the world. My pregnancy with him was great. No health concerns about his growth and development in my tummy. I had a planned c-section because I had one with my first son, Jaylan. My doctor believed that was the safest way to deliver. With this pregnancy, I felt secure and confident. I knew what to expect with delivery and what it took to be a responsible parent. When we brought Kenden home I was so excited. I was happy to have him apart of our family. The first night home with him my mom stayed with us. My husband had to return back to work. It was great having her there to help me get settled. I just knew after she left I had everything under control.

Looking back I believe my first night alone with Kenden was my introduction to his Autism. He didn’t sleep much. It wasn’t the typical newborn sleeping pattern. It was different and frustrating. I knew he was fed, dry, and sleepy but I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t sleep. Nothing I did seem to work. I would sing, walk, and rock him and I couldn’t figure out how to get him to sleep. I remember sitting on the couch and thinking something isn’t right. At that moment I felt like there was a disconnection between Kenden and I. It was an unexplainable and uneasy feeling I had. I instantly shuck it off because I just didn’t think it could be possible or felt it was right for me to feel that way about my child. I loved Kenden with all my heart but I knew something was missing from our “mommie and son” bond. I had no clue how to fix it. As his mother I felt defeated.