The very first time I realized there was something set apart about Preston, was when I laid eyes on this black & white picture. The day after I gave birth, a kind hospital photographer came by, & asked us if we would like some photographs of our new family. Of course, we said, “yes”, & after a few minutes, she flipped her camera around to show me the image. My heart completely exploded — there was our perfect son, in all his glory! I had never seen a brand newborn baby open their eyes, & smile like that for the camera. He was fast asleep, & just decided to wake up. It was as if he knew he had an audience! That beautiful boy was already showing the world just how special he really was/is.

Fast forward, two years later, we were sitting in the pediatrician’s office, filling out an M-Chat form — the standard screening for autism, at the 2 year well-child visit. Upon completion, we were informed of a couple (small) red flags. However, these specific delays, in his development, didn’t really concern the doctor at that time. We were advised to refrain from jumping to any of our own conclusions, & simply monitor any developments over the coming months/years. But I didn’t have the luxury to put that on the back burner for later — I’m his mother, & it’s my job to pay attention. Professional advice is not always the best advice, & the thought of waiting around just didn’t sit well with me. If he really did need help, we needed to address it sooner than later. So, I quickly chose to ignore that procedural suggestion. Even though I was scared, I needed more clarity — I needed to do right by my son. From that day forward, our “normal” reality completely changed forever.

After that appointment, I went home, & began my research.

My husband would soon come around, as he just needed to work through it all on his own timeline. He is my best supporter, & I am so thankful for him. But I was angry with him for a very long time for doubting me. It was like an insult to my intelligence. Years later, he would finally admit to me that he was just scared, & didn’t want it to be true. That wasn’t new information to me, but I was relieved that he could finally name his struggle, so that we could move on, & battle the hard things, together.

I remember the day that I realized Preston wasn’t neurotypical. I just knew. Deep down, I actually knew for awhile, I think. But on that particular day, I was absolutely sure. And I sobbed on my kitchen floor, grieving for the life that I thought I would have. Most autism parents experience their grieving process after the diagnosis. For me, it was much different. I had mine in various spurts/phases, leading up to those internal confirmations. And then the rest of that process (intensely) followed during those long months, while we were on the wait list for an evaluation. I’d spend the remainder of the year, crying myself to sleep, & then falling apart off/on throughout the day.

That part of my life was such a blur, & at the same time, it’s impossible for me to forget about certain details from that painful year. Obviously, it was more than okay for me to feel the way that I did — it was part of the process! And there was no need to rush through it.